


Coulson Traumatises the Kids

by PanicMoon15



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Captain America's bum, Daddy Phil traumatises the kids, Fluff, Humour, Lighthearted, May needs to comfort her duckings, mama may, papa phil, pre-HYDRA takeover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-07
Updated: 2015-01-07
Packaged: 2018-03-06 14:43:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3138083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PanicMoon15/pseuds/PanicMoon15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coulson and May find the kids up to something no good... and now thanks to Phil's love of Captain America, they're traumatised, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Coulson Traumatises the Kids

**Author's Note:**

> Where this came from, I do not know. I mean, what even?

The bus was quiet. Far too quiet.

At this time of the day he could usually hear the bickering between the three youngest members of his team. They were almost always playing on his last nerve by mid-afternoon when they were mission-free.

Coulson glanced around the lounge. Empty.

The lab. Also empty.

Ward was beating the crap out of the punching bag at the bottom of the stairs. He didn’t even acknowledge Coulson.

May was in the cockpit. Not actually flying the plane, which was on autopilot, but reading a book Phil suspected had been gifted to her from a certain redheaded assassin.

“Hey,” he said.

She slowly, very slowly, finished reading the page and dog-eared the corner, before closing the book and placing it on the other chair.

“Can I help you?” She asked, turning to Coulson.

“Yeah. Have you seen the kids?” He asked and May cocked an eyebrow at him. “I think I’ve lost them.”

May turned to the expanse of blue outside the window, and then back to Phil. “You know we’re thirty thousand feet in the air, right? They couldn’t have actually _gone_ anywhere.”

“I’ve checked everywhere. I swear, they’re gone.”

May sighed heavily and rolled her eyes. “I’ll come help look.”

It took May exactly thirty-six seconds to reach Skye’s bunk door, Coulson at her heels.

“You check in here?” She deadpanned.

“Of course not.” Coulson scoffed. “It’s two in the afternoon, why would they be in bed?”

The distinct sound of laughter leaked out from the bunk. May gave him a ‘look’.

“And it’s _private_. I can’t just go in there.” He said.

May slid the door open, despite Coulson’s sputtered protests, to reveal the three kids looking back at them with wide guilty eyes.

Skye slowly reached out and closed the laptop set in front of her on the bed. “Hey, guys.” She grinned. “What up?”

“What are you doing?” Coulson said, glancing to Jemma, also sitting on Skye’s bed, and Fitz, scooting away from them on the small patch of floor in Skye’s room. He locked the tablet’s screen before Coulson could catch a glimpse of what was on it. “You all look very suspicious.”

Jemma smiled and giggled an artificial laugh. “What? No, no…no….no,no. No. We’re not doing anything untoward. No.No.”

“Stop saying ‘no’.” Skye hissed in her friend’s direction.

“Okay.” May said. “I think we’ve established that all three of you are guilty of something. The question is what?”

“We were just talking.” Skye shrugged. “Y’know, hanging out.”

“Yes!” Jemma grinned. “Hanging out. Chilling. Chillaxing-,”

“Simmons stop.” Fitz groaned. “Jemma just shut _up_.”

“Give me the laptop.” May commanded, scarily enough that Simmons made to hand it over immediately.

Skye wrenched it back. “No! It’s mine.”

“Give it to me.” May repeated.

“No.” Skye said again, albeit this time less assuredly.

“Skye,” Coulson said in his best ‘dad’ voice, “give May the laptop.”

“But-,”

“ _Now_ please.”

“Urg, _fine_.” Skye huffed and passed May the computer.

May passed the laptop to Coulson, resting it in his arms, and opened it up, the screen lighting up immediately. As the images appeared on the screen, May couldn’t help but allow herself a little smile. They were making Coulson a birthday card….a very specifically _themed_ birthday card.

“For a world class hacker, I thought you’d have more security on your computer than just allowing us to open it.” Coulson commented, surprisingly calm given the pictures plastered over Skye’s screen. “Also I’m very mad right now. Just so you know. That man represents _freedom_. He is an international _hero_.” He passed the laptop back to May, turned on his heel and left the three younger members of his team with their superior.

“Do you think he’s mad?” Jemma asked quietly, looking to May.

“Simmons, he _literally_ just said he was mad.” Fitz huffed. He unlocked his tablet again and twisted his face at the screen. “I knew this was a stupid idea, Skye.”

“Hey!” the hacker said. “When I asked if you wanted to make Coulson a birthday card covered in doctored naked pictures of Captain America, you guys were all for it.”

“Technically you didn’t ask us that in so many words.” Jemma defended. “I swear, Agent May, it started off innocently enough, but then Skye found all the blogs dedicated to Captain Rogers’ buttocks and one thing led to another…” Jemma sighed. “And now he’s mad at us.”

Fitz cast his eyes back down to the tablet where more photo shopped images of the Captain stared back at him, and kicked it under Skye’s bed like a petulant child. “This is all your fault, Skye. Agent Coulson’s angry with us now. And I’ve seen far to many naked arses today.”

Skye looked genuinely offended for a second before the guilt swam over her features, and May suddenly felt sorry for the youngest of their little group.

“I didn’t mean to make him mad.” She mumbled.

“Hey, it’s okay, guys.” May attempted to comfort, placing the laptop back down on Skye’s bed and sitting between the two girls. “He’s not _really_ mad.”

Skye looked up at her, hopeful. “Really?”

“He’s just embarrassed.” May patted Skye’s knee. “And maybe a bit touched that you remembered his birthday. And maybe a little offended on behalf of Captain Rogers.”

“I just wanted to do something nice for him.” Skye admitted.

“And we just wanted to help.” Fitz shrugged.

“Yes.” Jemma agreed. “I though he might like to see Captain America’s bum.”

May smirked.

“I mean who wouldn’t?” Skye commented.

“Me.” Fitz grumbled.

“You weren’t complaining for the past hour we’ve been look at the pictures.” Jemma smiled.

“Shut up, Simmons.”

As Fitz grumbled, Coulson appeared back at the bunk door, glancing around the room.

“Sir, we’re very sorry-,” Jemma started.

“Yes, sir. It was immature of us-,” Fitz continued.

“And I’m really, really sorry. I just wanted to-,” Skye said quickly, only to be cut off by Coulson himself.

“Give me the laptop.” He commanded and Jemma passed it over. He glanced back at the screen, nodded to the agents in the room and turned away. “I’ll be in my office. Don’t disturb me for half an hour.”

May frowned. “Half and hour?”

Coulson turned back to her, then back at the pictures on Skye’s computer. “Better make it forty-five minutes.” And took off to his office.

Skye, Jemma and Fitz watched him go, all three falling silent.

“May?” Skye asked, still looking at the empty hallway.

“Yes, Skye?”

“I’m going to have nightmares.”

May wrapped an arm around the younger girl’s shoulders and pulled her to her, doing the same to Jemma on the other side. “We all are, Skye, we all are…We’ll get you a new laptop.”

**Author's Note:**

> Review please. xxx


End file.
